[shirt. shorts. stockings.]
I hate my body. I hate how I turned out. I hate how fucking stupid my parents can be. Ever since I was a kid they have made me feel like shit about my weight and appearance, it’s a given seeing how they both are in the health industry, my dad is an instructor and fucking nit-picks every random person he sees, and constantly judges people based on their weight. He can’t help the fact that he’s a cynical douchebag, he’s old I guess. It just hurts, my self image has always been kind of fucked up, on rare occasions when I think I’m ok with my body, somebody usually brings up my weight, I step on a scale, and I want to throw up everything, I feel nauseated I don’t want to eat, so I don’t which makes me fatter, and then I get more depressed, smoke weed,and overeat. I hate my body. I hate my back, I hate my thighs, my face, my short neck, my tree trunk arms, my legs, I hate my gigantic boobs! I hate my parents, fuck them! They’re supposed to make me feel good about myself, and all they do is make me want to fucking stop eating and waste myself. Those fucking pricks!!!! I can’t wait until I can move out with Matt each day here I am reminded why I turned out the way I did, and why I hate them so much!
We were having drinks before the Kill Hannah show, I was steadily drinking a mixed girlie whisky beverage that was served, pink, and in a martini glass $20 but hey we were on vacation! I looked down at my phone and I had just missed a call from my work, “Odd” I thought as I immediately called them back “You were supposed to be here 2 hours ago!” one of my supervisors said sternly…”I requested this concert off a month ago, I can’t come in, I’m in LA….” “Well, you were scheduled…” ——silence—— “I’m really sorry, I even thought I double checked before I left, that’s why I had James cover me tomorrow, because I knew I’d be wiped out after the concert, and I scheduled a tattoo appointment tomorrow I can’t make it” —-silence——- “So…am I fired?” “Pretty much yeah, you’re going to have to talk to Scott, have fun in LA” —-click—- Tears filled my eyes instantly, the night of my favorite band playing for the first time in 4 years, and I got fired right before the show…FML shortly that little pink drink was guzzled followed by a double of Jameson and ginger ale. I kept trying to amp myself up for the show, thinking that even if I did know I was supposed to work, and they scheduled me, I would have gone to the show regardless if I got fired or not…but encouraging thoughts I give to myself seldom comfort me at all >_> thus I was feeling pretty lost and crappy.
Waiting outside the Roxy the line wasn’t too bad, why do I always feel like I’m the only one smoking anymore? A 16 year old girl had one hell of a fake cough next to me! My boyfriend didn’t use the bathroom at the bar and was trying out how to not pay $14 for a bathroom on Sunset Strip, but for the most part failing miserably….
Let me begin this paragraph by saying that I love Kill Hannah fans, they make me feel normal lol Let me also say that I wasn’t in the best of moods so this cock blocking story may be taken personally or whatever, but, fuck no one really reads my blog anyway! So let the cockblocking story begin! This photographer comes up and is talking to this guy next to me and asks to snap a shot of my Kill Hannah tattoo, I have one photo taken, and dude next to me volunteers his Kill Hannah tattoo “I have a tattoo too!!!>_<! It’s on my back, maybe wait until I’m drunk later and I’ll show it to you!, can you get a few of me though I’m a huge fan of your photography!!” Another roadie from Kill Hannah comes up and asks to take a picture of my tattoo, I’m talking to her “Has Mat seen this? I feel like this tattoo is already on the website” “Uhm…I know he took one 4 years ago last time they were in LA and it was on Raccoon Society for a while, but I don’t think it’s on their Facebook or anything” kid interjects once more “Oh, yeah! I’ve definitely seen your tattoo online before, take a picture of my tattoo!” whatever I just got fired, I’m being too touchy, this kid is just as excited as I am…whatever >_> then the cherry on top —-> “So I got plane tickets from Portland Oregon but my flight got cancelled, so I drove all the way here to make it tonight” touching…really fucking touching, I decided to give up all efforts of talking to anyone, and once we got in the drinking commenced!
My boyfriend is a doll, he kept the drinks coming! We were fucking trashed! I was annoying myself! We were belligerently dancing to the opening bands, I hit the bottom of Matt’s cup and he spilled his drink on the poor girl next to us >_> I thought we were going to get kicked out, I just couldn’t pull myself together!
I went to the bathroom, and came out to find a wall of hipster models, tall girls with headbands around their foreheads, looking bored, and too cool (my theory is that Mat gets mad bjs before and after the show from these girls, like an assembly line, or maybe one girl for each part of him?idk I’m a bitch I guess) I stumbled through them, and went back to my spot up front, only to be confronted by a cute girl who whispered that I had toilet paper stuck to my shoe -__- I hugged her and took it off, but had a general feeling of embarrassment after that, sobering really!
Finally Kill Hannah went on! And the first head bang my sweet new necklace broke :( Mat Devine grabbed my hand during one of the first songs, and I was just raging, it was SOOoOOo much needed fun! It was amazing! At the end Mat was thanking everyone who came out, and even retold that douchebag’s story of how he drove all the way from Portland blahhhh! After the show we waited for the band to come out, my alcohol was ready to come back up, I had the spins like crazy, but this was supposed to be my night…this show was supposed to be for me! I made Mat Devine a Santa hat that said “New heart for LA” and I was waiting to give it to him, I saw Greg, and Dan come out but I felt too sick to say hi, or to try and say something life changingly cleaver and witty, so I sat on the steps by the bar covered in fake snow, and waited for a long time (assembly line of bjs might have been a factor??)
Finally Mat Devine came out, I gave him the hat, he was then swallowed by fans, but he found me again, gave me a hug and said, “Did you see my eyes light up when I saw you out there?! I saw you rocking out! So awesome!” I had thought about what we were going to talk about for weeks, I was going to ask how his solo album was coming along, if Kill Hannah was planning another one, if Johnny was permanently back in the band, ask him to take a picture with me wearing that hat I made him…but all I was able to say was “Thank you” and just like that, it was over.
(PS: I got to keep my job, my supervisor was just being a B so my vacation was ruined for no reason at all)
"The bags under my eyes are designer" + sad eyebrows today ✨
how stunning !
The first time I had ever listened to Kill Hannah I was with my mom in the car, an Independent radio station played “Kennedy” and I fell in love! I was like, “what an awesome chick band!” I knew nothing about them. I remember waiting through the commercials afterwords so I could figure out what their name was, but they must have forgotten to mention who they were. I was so sad and without internet, my questing for this band wasn’t as easy as it would be today >_>
I was newly 15, I had just made friends with an unlikely. In Jr.high and freshmen year I believed in rumors, and due to creepy comments about my nipples being hard in gym class, and a tale of how he lost his virginity in a bathroom of a motel 6 over break, I didn’t really ever see myself being friends with this person.That was all to change in World History that year. He sat right behind me, and would ask me about music, about how I was able to get cigarettes, if I did drugs >_> after the first semester my best friend at the time was no longer the student teacher for the class, which left my only friend to be this unlikely person ;p He turned out to be much more sensitive than I had imagined him to be, and he also got me in to a bunch of new music! He talked about being alone and sad things, so I invited him to come with me to Starbucks, I remember that night well EVERYONE was there, the whole gang welcomed him with open arms, and the unlikely became my best friend :D
He let me borrow his CD case one day and in that CD case was “Forever and Never” a Kill Hannah CD! When I heard the second track, “Kennedy” I totally shit my pants with excitement! That chick band that I had fallen in love with on the radio that day, wasn’t a chick band, it was a group of androgynous boys! EVEN BETTER! Kill Hannah became my favorite band instantly!…the only problem was, I lived in California, and absolutely no record stores carried their music >_<! My friend happened upon that CD only because he had gone to a HIM concert earlier that year and Kill Hannah had opened for them.
Several months later, several raves later my best friend pulls me out of a cuddle puddle and introduces me to a very tall attractive person in a Kill Hannah t-shirt (<—-that person later becomes my most evil ex) He was from Chicago and knew WAY more about the band than I did, we became friends on myspace, and eventually he became my first real relationship, my first real love, and the most painfully brutal breakup I have ever been through.
With this Kill Hannah boy, I made many bad life choices,I went through hell and back to be with him, but the one thing I can’t really regret is when I moved to Chicago with him. As we were flying over Illinois I had to play “Welcome to Chicago” on my ipod, like a geek :p When we lived together I really got to listen to Every single Kill Hannah song in existence, that lucky bastard had singles that had never even been released some how, and for a while I was happy, I was finally able to go to New Heart for Xmas that year (both days) which was seriously the coolest thing I have ever done! I went to shows at the Metro a bunch after that! It became my home, this city became my home, all the songs I had listened to over the years came to life in that city, singing out, “The Tains are sOOo Loud SOooOooo Louddddd!!!” and banging on poles at the L station after New Heart was one of my fondest memories.
After my heart was broken into a thousand pieces and I couldn’t stand another box of my stuff making it’s way back to California, I wrote to Mat Devine, and to my dismay he wrote me back! He really helped me with what I was going through.I saw them at house of Blues, Mat took a picture of my tattoo, and recommend a great bar he thought we should check out before the show, I told him we’d check it out…but alas I wasn’t 21 at the time, so I played it cool and instead we chugged a bunch of sparks in a nearby apartment complex under some stairs, where I projectile vomited for the first time, due to chugging too fast…it was a weird thing, one moment I am coolly talking to my fucking idol and the next I am projectile vomiting underneath some stairs >_> That was the last Kill Hannah show that I had the pleasure of going to, I remember afterwords feeling sad, that it would be a while until I’d get to see them again. Because not only do they put on the best live shows EVER but they always take the time to chat before and after their shows, which really makes Kill Hannah shows like fucking therapy for me lol maybe not therapy, but like, the most awesome drug, I can say that I feel happiest when I see them :)
The past few years were hard, to say the least. I lost someone close to me, and Kill Hannah got me through that too, I am still struggling with his death every day but, I manage to get up and go to work. I manage to plaster on a smile, and go on.
I’ve had this amazing boyfriend the past 2 years, his name is Matt, not Mat Devine, but still pretty cute that I’d end up with a Matt :) He’s my best friend in the whole world, and it’s the first time I have ever been in a relationship that isn’t bad for my heart/life lol We were friends in High School(well I was in High School he was the kid who had just graduated, that had a crush on my good friend and would drive us to parties and stuff ;p) we actually both lived in Chicago at the same time, but never saw each other. I remember calling him on nights when I was feeling alone, and needed someone to talk to but, he was trying to leave the past behind him and never picked up his phone >_> Fate is a funny thing…
Every year they put on a show in Chicago “New Heart for Xmas” and for the past few of years I have been in San Diego and haven’t been able to see them :( A friend had even offered that we fly out to Chicago for the next New Heart, and though it would be a costly trip I was totally considering it. Through fate New Heart was cancelled this year only to be replaced by a show in LA at the Roxy, although this announcement was very discouraging to Chicago fans, it left me full of excitement, as though I was singled out of a crowd and this show was meant for me, kind of a narcissistic thought, but it’s the truth :p And so, I bought 2 tickets to the show!!!And I can’t wait!!