this is intense
Your new girlfriend looks like your sister! On the rare occasion I go on your profile, I just remind myself that she gets fucked up the butt lots, and though you claimed that you could only be poly-amorous with me, but decided to have a solid relationship with a girl that looks like your fucking sister… I feel glad that I’m left out of the equation, because clearly you have bigger problems than I have time for, you enjoy buttfucking your sister and… skiing apparently? I must have loved you a lot because I hate you so fucking much now!
Have you ever felt powerless? Like as if all of the fucking life has been sucked out of you? Have you ever felt like a shadow of a person? Have you ever felt weak, or vulnerable?
when I talk to people my chest hurts, my mind races tells me to “Be Normal” a whisper finds it’s way between my lips and escapes with a voice no one seems to listen to. Everyone is constantly judging me. Judging my clothes, judging my looks, judging my weight, my intelligence.
I’ve fallen into a hole of depression that I can’t seem to dig my way out of. and all of it is spawned from my lack of courage. I am afraid of everything. I’m afraid of the dark, being alone frightens me (like literally not emotionally) I’m afraid of cars, driving, getting my diploma, going to school, I’m afraid of death, of people dying, of the unknown.
I hate my last name so much that I cringe, when I hear it, I’ve always wanted to get it changed, I was bullied in school for having it, and I blame it for my general demeanor, I never wanted people to say my name, so I never raised my hand, thus I got left behind, and only had a few close friends.
I’m afraid of believing in anything, I’ve never taken religion, spirituality, or politics seriously, because I feel like whatever I pick is going to be the wrong choice, and offensive to someone else. Instead I try to be accepting of all religions, and try and be nice to people, I believe in energy, and Karma because I can almost for a fact prove those things, as for god, heaven or even hell, there’s no way to know until death happens, and I think that is what scares me most.
Suicide is something that I think about often, though I wouldn’t classify myself as suicidal. I think about how worthless my existence is, and how little I contribute to the world, I think about how all my dreams let me down, and how my expectations are never quite met. It would be nice to have a do-over if I could just do everything over again, have a more exciting life, not feel totally fucked in the head all the time. But like I said, I’m afraid of everything, I don’t want to go somewhere terrifying, I don’t want to be unsuccessful in whatever pills I take (because cutting hurts, I’d pussy out hanging myself, I don’t like guns) I don’t want to be a half baked potato in a hospital somewhere…. No like I said, I am not suicidal, I just wish I could do everything over!
I fade in and out of listening to people, my mind wanders a lot. I find it difficult to pay attention to people. It’s hard for me to remember faces for some reason. Sometimes I’ll see people I went to school with in public, and I find it easier to look down at my shoes than to force a fake smile or phony “Hello, How have you been?” I hate small talk.
Each day I feel little to no excitement about things, I could sleep for days, and have pretty low motivation to do anything but go to work. I started anti-depressants about a month ago, and to be honest I don’t really feel any different at all. I have an appointment for next month to up my prescription…I hope that they start working because I don’t like feeling like this. I just want to be happy.
I want to look at those memes on the internet about “enjoying nature” “licking the labia of mother earth” and not feel a cynical douchebaggery towards the ever popular ”hippies” It’s trendy to go camping now, rich people want to live forever, and I hate them all! I need to hate less -___-
[shirt. shorts. stockings.]
I hate my body. I hate how I turned out. I hate how fucking stupid my parents can be. Ever since I was a kid they have made me feel like shit about my weight and appearance, it’s a given seeing how they both are in the health industry, my dad is an instructor and fucking nit-picks every random person he sees, and constantly judges people based on their weight. He can’t help the fact that he’s a cynical douchebag, he’s old I guess. It just hurts, my self image has always been kind of fucked up, on rare occasions when I think I’m ok with my body, somebody usually brings up my weight, I step on a scale, and I want to throw up everything, I feel nauseated I don’t want to eat, so I don’t which makes me fatter, and then I get more depressed, smoke weed,and overeat. I hate my body. I hate my back, I hate my thighs, my face, my short neck, my tree trunk arms, my legs, I hate my gigantic boobs! I hate my parents, fuck them! They’re supposed to make me feel good about myself, and all they do is make me want to fucking stop eating and waste myself. Those fucking pricks!!!! I can’t wait until I can move out with Matt each day here I am reminded why I turned out the way I did, and why I hate them so much!
We were having drinks before the Kill Hannah show, I was steadily drinking a mixed girlie whisky beverage that was served, pink, and in a martini glass $20 but hey we were on vacation! I looked down at my phone and I had just missed a call from my work, “Odd” I thought as I immediately called them back “You were supposed to be here 2 hours ago!” one of my supervisors said sternly…”I requested this concert off a month ago, I can’t come in, I’m in LA….” “Well, you were scheduled…” ——silence—— “I’m really sorry, I even thought I double checked before I left, that’s why I had James cover me tomorrow, because I knew I’d be wiped out after the concert, and I scheduled a tattoo appointment tomorrow I can’t make it” —-silence——- “So…am I fired?” “Pretty much yeah, you’re going to have to talk to Scott, have fun in LA” —-click—- Tears filled my eyes instantly, the night of my favorite band playing for the first time in 4 years, and I got fired right before the show…FML shortly that little pink drink was guzzled followed by a double of Jameson and ginger ale. I kept trying to amp myself up for the show, thinking that even if I did know I was supposed to work, and they scheduled me, I would have gone to the show regardless if I got fired or not…but encouraging thoughts I give to myself seldom comfort me at all >_> thus I was feeling pretty lost and crappy.
Waiting outside the Roxy the line wasn’t too bad, why do I always feel like I’m the only one smoking anymore? A 16 year old girl had one hell of a fake cough next to me! My boyfriend didn’t use the bathroom at the bar and was trying out how to not pay $14 for a bathroom on Sunset Strip, but for the most part failing miserably….
Let me begin this paragraph by saying that I love Kill Hannah fans, they make me feel normal lol Let me also say that I wasn’t in the best of moods so this cock blocking story may be taken personally or whatever, but, fuck no one really reads my blog anyway! So let the cockblocking story begin! This photographer comes up and is talking to this guy next to me and asks to snap a shot of my Kill Hannah tattoo, I have one photo taken, and dude next to me volunteers his Kill Hannah tattoo “I have a tattoo too!!!>_<! It’s on my back, maybe wait until I’m drunk later and I’ll show it to you!, can you get a few of me though I’m a huge fan of your photography!!” Another roadie from Kill Hannah comes up and asks to take a picture of my tattoo, I’m talking to her “Has Mat seen this? I feel like this tattoo is already on the website” “Uhm…I know he took one 4 years ago last time they were in LA and it was on Raccoon Society for a while, but I don’t think it’s on their Facebook or anything” kid interjects once more “Oh, yeah! I’ve definitely seen your tattoo online before, take a picture of my tattoo!” whatever I just got fired, I’m being too touchy, this kid is just as excited as I am…whatever >_> then the cherry on top —-> “So I got plane tickets from Portland Oregon but my flight got cancelled, so I drove all the way here to make it tonight” touching…really fucking touching, I decided to give up all efforts of talking to anyone, and once we got in the drinking commenced!
My boyfriend is a doll, he kept the drinks coming! We were fucking trashed! I was annoying myself! We were belligerently dancing to the opening bands, I hit the bottom of Matt’s cup and he spilled his drink on the poor girl next to us >_> I thought we were going to get kicked out, I just couldn’t pull myself together!
I went to the bathroom, and came out to find a wall of hipster models, tall girls with headbands around their foreheads, looking bored, and too cool (my theory is that Mat gets mad bjs before and after the show from these girls, like an assembly line, or maybe one girl for each part of him?idk I’m a bitch I guess) I stumbled through them, and went back to my spot up front, only to be confronted by a cute girl who whispered that I had toilet paper stuck to my shoe -__- I hugged her and took it off, but had a general feeling of embarrassment after that, sobering really!
Finally Kill Hannah went on! And the first head bang my sweet new necklace broke :( Mat Devine grabbed my hand during one of the first songs, and I was just raging, it was SOOoOOo much needed fun! It was amazing! At the end Mat was thanking everyone who came out, and even retold that douchebag’s story of how he drove all the way from Portland blahhhh! After the show we waited for the band to come out, my alcohol was ready to come back up, I had the spins like crazy, but this was supposed to be my night…this show was supposed to be for me! I made Mat Devine a Santa hat that said “New heart for LA” and I was waiting to give it to him, I saw Greg, and Dan come out but I felt too sick to say hi, or to try and say something life changingly cleaver and witty, so I sat on the steps by the bar covered in fake snow, and waited for a long time (assembly line of bjs might have been a factor??)
Finally Mat Devine came out, I gave him the hat, he was then swallowed by fans, but he found me again, gave me a hug and said, “Did you see my eyes light up when I saw you out there?! I saw you rocking out! So awesome!” I had thought about what we were going to talk about for weeks, I was going to ask how his solo album was coming along, if Kill Hannah was planning another one, if Johnny was permanently back in the band, ask him to take a picture with me wearing that hat I made him…but all I was able to say was “Thank you” and just like that, it was over.
(PS: I got to keep my job, my supervisor was just being a B so my vacation was ruined for no reason at all)
"The bags under my eyes are designer" + sad eyebrows today ✨
how stunning !